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Looking for Love in the Poconos:

Places To Look And Places To Avoid. Hint: Men Are Like Shad....

Places to Go, Places to Avoid.

We'll do this logically, here's the plan:

Where: The spot, the location, the exact epicenter of the action.

When: The best time of the month, day, week and hour. After all, you're a busy person, why sit someplace and wait for the action? Stay home feed the cat, catch Boston Legal, arrive at just the right time.

Who: Who you're most likely to meet. Age, education, and marital status. You'll have to figure out the emotional baggage.

What: What they are most likely to do for fun and career. Should we supply you with income ranges, too?

How: How do you approach him (or her) and expect to get the best results.

Location #1:

Where: The Lodge at Camelback Ski Resort. Right up front, in front of the band, preferably on the dance floor, center stage.

When: Any Saturday evening in March. 6:37 PM.

Who: Girls will meet: 22-45 year old, usually single (but probably escaping their girlfriends), a range of educational backgrounds from "ain't finished highschool" to 12 years of medical school men. Careful, you can't tell the difference from afar. (The powder suit is a great equalizer) Guys will meet: 21-40 year old, physically active, probably single, women with at least a college education (The urban, post feminist movement has provided careers that allow for budgeting for shaped skis and the very best Obermeyer stretch suits)

What: The guys are: The cutest Firemen from NYC, a few Philadelphia Lawyers, and the always present, perpetually tanned, ski instructors with tight quads. The girls: Budweiser girls before they are "discovered", website graphic design geeks (only the cute ones can get off to go skiing), girlfriends of couch potatoes (home watching the game or "The Simpsons") and Oh lala, The real, actual Captain Morgan girls.

How: Girls, the best hint we can give you is to walk right up to him, lean over (he's probably sitting on a stool, staring at the band), shout in his ear "You are the best skier I've ever seen" and then act like you saw him taking the bumps on "The Rocket" earlier in the day. Guys, once you've muscled your way past the other sharks and made sure (with a smile) that you were the one she was staring at from across the room, just ask her to dance. She'll be so relieved that she doesn't have to stand there talking to the guy with the Long Island accent, that she'll probably go home with you.

Location #2

Where: Walmart - the food section. We'd suggest, at the lobster tank. You can stand there and stare with impunity.

When: Either of two times (depending upon the "type" you want to meet). To meet the "b" type personality, go at 5:30pm on Thursday or Friday. That's just after work. You'll find him/her doing the compulsive weekly shopping. Lobster will not be on this type's list, but to get to the lunchmeat and bread section they'll have to walk right by you. To meet the "a" type personality, go at 3 am on a Saturday or Sunday morning. They'll probably be circling the lobster tank considering whether to purchase a 2 1/2 pounder.

Who: Girls will meet: 22-36 year old, single (though there's kids involved) men with no, or up to 3 years of, university. (They dropped out to start the family). Guys will meet: 18 to 54 year old, single/divorced girls/women, college students to votech moms, (lots of hair dressers).

What: The girls are: moms or single college students (Number of body piercings will tell you who's who, 2 or less mom, 3 or more student). Beware, the number can't always be determined fully clothed. The guys: (This is too easy) Single/divorced dads or college students. The dads usually wear loafers, the students Doc Martens.

How: The universally accepted line is.. "Is that one male or female?"

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